Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Dark Times

This post is/was very difficult to write and I contemplated not writing it at all, but that would defeat the purpose of the blog.

This blog is a personal history for my family. And along the way, I have picked up some readers that have become online friends and I have offline friends that get their Doss & Jorja news from the blog.

Plus, the blog is cathartic for me.

So, to not write the about the events of the weekend would be a disservice to us all.

To put it bluntly, this weekend was not good for Doss.

I was able to take the ups - glucose levels rising to normal - and downs - having to be intubated - since the birth, in part because of the advice I received from you, the reader.

But I was unprepared for what happened this weekend.

Friday night, we kissed Doss lightly on the head and returned to P.Pie’s room, with Jorja in her Lexan and chrome chariot safely in tow.

Saturday morning I arrived at Doss’s bedside to dire faces. The nurse practitioner informed me that Doss had seizures during the night.

At first, I didn’t realize the depth of the problem. In fact, I didn’t understand the problem at all. Lots of kids have seizures, most of which can surely be cleared up by one drug or another.

It was explained to me that the seizures were most likely caused by bleeding on the brain.

Anything with the brain is bad. That I understood.

So the neonatologist ordered an ultrasound of Doss’s head. Less than an hour later, the ultrasound was completed and had been read by a neurologist.

And indeed there was bleeding on his brain. They grade brain bleeds in levels zero thru four.

Doss’s bleed was a level four.

Saturday my despair and sadness were profound. But our neonatologist has pointed out some good things and that all hope is not lost.

As I write this, the bleeding appears to have stopped as has his seizures. Doss is stable and appears to be sleeping comfortably.

I am a realist and I know that we aren’t even close to being out of the woods. It will be an uphill struggle which has costs that are almost unbearable. And even after these prices have been paid with blood, sweat, and tears, it still may end badly.

If I could lay down my life in exchange for my son’s well being, I do it in a heartbeat.

Every time I think I’ve cried myself dry, I find some untapped spring within my soul. And whatever the outcome, good or bad, I will cry some more.

[ed. note: these events have also made me somewhat bitter and angry - as well as a little mean. To those in my personal life, if I am short or angry with you please forgive me. I will try to do better.]