Saturday, September 23, 2006

Baby Naming Nomenclature v1.0

What is in a name? That which we call our children
By any other child may be cause for ridicule.

My apologies to Bill Shakespeare.

Once you announce to the world that you are pregnant, the second thing people ask you is, “Have you picked out names yet?”*

We have not, as yet, picked out names. But we are looking.

Picking out children’s names is actually proving to be more difficult than previously expected. Oh, sure, you can grab names willy-nilly, but will they fit the child? You can call your boy Sue, but you better believe he’s gonna get in a fight or two.

If you don’t want your child to be picked on, don’t name him – or her – Percival. That name is just asking to be shoved in a locker.

Not all names are obvious troublemakers. You have to play with them in order to get potential junior high humor out of them. One of my personal favs is Tucker. Unfortunately, Tucker can easily become fucker. So now you’ve got Tucker the Fucker.

For girls, I’m quite fond of Erin for a first name and Marin for a second name. That would make her Erin Marin Barron. I would have to be a sadist to name a daughter that.

Other last names are more problematic; especially when paired with similar first names. For example – Robert Robertson (yes, I know there is a great rock star by that name, but it’s still no excuse. John Johnson, Will Williamson, Jack Jackson, and so on. You get the idea.

If you have a last name that lends itself to this sort of mockery, do us all a favor – name you child something else.

Okay, all that said here are a roughly 80 names from the back of the envelope. Keep in mind that we are not married to any of them.

Archer, Asher, Atticus, Axton, Bergen, Bijan, Bishop, Blue, Bronson, Cage, Case, Cord, Diego, Doss, Ezekial, Faust, Fletcher, Flynn, Garcia, George, Grady, Hudson, Ian, Kane, Lazarus, Lazlo, Levi, Logan, Lyndon, Nash, Nero, Preston, Ridley, Rusk, Sawyer, Scout, Tucker, Ulysses, Zane, Zeke, Zeno

Aase, Abilene, Ada, Addison, Adero, Akela, Amalie, Amelie, Anica, Beatrix, Blythe, Calliope, Carolina Amelie, Corazon, Dahlia, Esperanza, Fiona, flynn, Gianna, Hana, Harper, Jorja, Josie, Jozy, Kira, Lorelei, Maarit, Mae, Maura, Mazie, Monet, Ophelia, Persephone, Peyton, Presley, Rail, Rosales, Rosalie, Sage, Zara

*Number one is “Do you know the sex of the twins yet?” Stay tuned for that info.