Sunday, March 02, 2008

One Year Ago

Doss –

Do you remember our talks? I spent most of the day thinking about you and our short time together.

You are always in my thoughts, one way or another; whether at work or at home, I see, think, or do something that reminds me of you. But today, on the anniversary of your death, I pulled together images and reread the posts from those days.

And I have come to a conclusion that we were greedy to try and keep you around. We kept giving you drugs, sticking you with needles, and running test after test in the hopes that we could fix whatever ailed you.

We clung to any hopeful word; the promise of a brighter tomorrow was always just around the corner. We greedily hung on to those wishes, ignoring your physical deterioration and, what is only now evident to me, the increase of your discomfort.

As I sorted through the hospital pictures, your pain screamed at me; I do not know how I missed it. I am so, so sorry.

This does not mean your life was without purpose; its purpose was simply different than the average person. I have not yet gleaned that purpose, but I have a few ideas:

We may have been blessed with you in order to teach us about love. The true meaning of love is hidden from most people and can only be revealed in the eyes of your children.

You might have been sent to us to teach us about the true meaning of loss.

Perhaps you were meant to give us strength; before you, we would not have had the strength to withstand all that we have been through.

But what if you weren’t meant for us all? What if your purpose is somehow tied to your sister?

Whatever the purpose, it will not be in vain. You will not be forgotten. When we see each other again, I will have tales to tell you (everyone else has heard them all. Twice).

Also, I want to hear what happened after the last time we talked.


Anonymous Jennifer Margulis said...

This post is so sad but in such a loving way. I have a friend who lost her son 4 months ago (in a car crash) and another whose baby died two days after she was born, so I've been thinking a lot about this subject lately. I just posted an article about preemie babies. The picture at the top of the blog was taken on the day the couple I interviewed for it decided to take Dermot off life support (and was not published with the original article). It's so hard to lose a child, you never forget.

3/02/2008 10:42 PM  
Blogger Rachel E. said...

My heart just broke a little. I'm sorry for your hurt. You all did what any parents would do - you hoped for the best for your son and gave him the gift of that hopefulness. It was your job not to give in to possible despair and you did it well. My thoughts are with you during this painful anniversary.

3/03/2008 8:29 AM  
Blogger Becky said...

Remembering Doss ...

3/03/2008 8:41 AM  
Blogger Darren said...

I'm sure you've helped at least one other parent deal with the loss of a child just by sharing Doss's story. That's a purpose too.

3/03/2008 2:33 PM  
Blogger BethGo said...

Oh...Doss. What a sweet little boy.
My thoughts are with you today.

3/03/2008 7:21 PM  
Blogger radioactive girl said...

I remember it all like it was yesterday...obsessively checking your blog for updates, etc. My thoughts are with you.

3/04/2008 8:02 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

I can't believe it has been one year already. I don't comment often,but appreciate hearing about your life. Your love for Doss shines through in all of your writing, and we won't forget him.

3/07/2008 11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been reading for a while and hadn't been a reader when this happened. I understand the pain. My aunt went through much of the same pain. Reading back into your posts is a touching, harrowing and in the end...heart moving understanding of fathers and sons. Thank you for giving the world your experience.

3/09/2008 9:17 AM  
Blogger b*babbler said...

Thinking of your family - with sadness for your loss but with hope, for the easing of pain and the understanding that time brings.

3/09/2008 7:14 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

I too can't believe it's been a year.

Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

3/14/2008 12:36 AM  
Blogger Kila said...

I can't believe it's been a whole year already!

Many hugs to you all. We won't forget Doss.

3/19/2008 10:45 PM  
Blogger J-Ko From The Block said...

This post was so moving... As a new mommy, I can't imagine ... Thank you for sharing....

3/23/2008 6:19 PM  
Anonymous Kaz said...

oh, man - I should have known better than to read this post at work... awesomely touching post, though, dude..

4/17/2008 11:19 AM  
Blogger Bryce said...

Damn - you just made me cry and now I'll have to re-do my makeup before leaving the house. So sorry about your son Doss. Congratulations about Atticus!

6/20/2008 9:18 AM  

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